Dear Niecey Piecy,
I love you! I love you. More differently, I like you. This is surprising because I think your mom is crazy, and a f*ckin’ know it all (squeeze my french), and she can drink booze in her coffee all morning, but you know, I just want another glass of wine at dinner and she all gives me that blank stare like, “Kathy. You’re an alcoholic.” She didn’t say it, but we all saw it, right? She said it with her eyes.
And I’m like, “What? Can someone say Kahlua at 6 a.m, Terry? 6 a.m. And don’t give me that ‘it’s the holidays’ shit. 6 a.m. is six a.m. is sex a.m. in other languages.” But at least I had the balls to say it out loud. I’m not going to hide behind my eyeballs. Some sh*t just needs to be said.
I love you and I want to share somethings with you that you should know. One. Everyone should be gin. It’s gin, it’s gin it’s gin gin gin. Have you met my friend gin? I’ll let you try some. I’ll walk by the kids table and I’ll pretend I’m going to get you some more water. And I’m going to give you gin. So don’t share it with your little cousins. One time, I accidently got Petey drunk and Dan told me he was ganna call the parent police. And I was like, “Damn it, Dan. He’s my son. Just leave it! Leave it!” And he didn’t say anything after that, because I showed him that I wasn’t ganna be a push over like Terry.
And another thing that you should know is that those tits aren’t going to pay for college. Well, they will, but your ma is such a biotch. She’d be a judgment factory if you used em, and shook em like your money maker for money. So apply for scholarships for women. Cause you have to go to college. Look what happen to your Terry biotch mom. She’s like not gone to college and she doesn’t know how to open the newspaper without breaking her hands off. So, go to college. Go to school. Be good. Be good at school and at college. And remember, when I give you that glass, that’s going to have gin in it. So don’t tell your mom and don’t give it to Petey, otherwise the shit’s going to hit the space heater. Okay okay okay. I love you i love you i love you.
Merry Christmas,
Aunt Kathy
p.s. IOU Christmas present. Take the gin as down payment 
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